Have you ever had to accept something you didn’t want to? As some of you now know, I suffered through infertility for 5 years. It took me and my husband one year of trying before we even considered the idea of us being infertile. We were both young (sort of) and in great shape. The thought of infertility never even entered our minds. All of those years of stressing out when my period was late and it turns out I had nothing to stress about. Truth is; I was never going to get pregnant without medical assistance.

Once I finally accepted the fact we were having fertility issues, I joined a support group. I wanted to learn from other women how to handle the surprise of it all. I was in shock over my infertility for many years. It was probably the hardest thing I ever had to admit to myself. It turns out many other women feel the same way. Almost every woman, at one support group session, started off their story by saying they had a hard time accepting their inability to conceive. This made me question, “Why is infertility such a surprise when millions are facing it daily?”

I came to one conclusion. This conclusion took me on a long memory ride. The first memory took me back to the sixth grade. In the sixth grade I learned about the birds and the bees. Everything was so matter of fact. The teachers explained conception in a way that simply stated, “This is how it works” and nothing stated, “This is how it fails.”

Let’s jump ahead a few more years to my eighth grade health class. Fertility was brought up again and this time they were trying to frighten kids into not having “nookie” because they will definitely conceive if they do. Do you remember everyone preaching, “It only takes one time?” I do. That was drilled into my head. Natalie and I were friends back then and I remember a conversation we had at school one afternoon. We were wondering if we should swim in a pool with boys. We were so frightened by our teachers and society expressing how easy it is to conceive; we wondered if we could get pregnant just by swimming with boys.

I know, you are probably laughing at us right now and it is embarrassing to admit to our “naiveness.” However, it is important to understand how we were trained to think. Keep in mind we were young and we eventually swam with boys again (I have to “save face” a little bit).

My next round of fertility education came through a college course. The professor was very detailed oriented. So much so, that I never had a question about “nookie” again and I often wondered if she should have been arrested for lewd behavior. But, I digress. The interesting fact about her course is that she went into such depth about fertility but never brought up infertility. How can you teach this sort of class and not talk about infertility? It was simply not mentioned. Personally, I feel there is a lot of shame behind it but that is another blog post altogether.

How can a child be taught from such a young age how easy it is to conceive but throughout the years never be taught how difficult it can be as well? Is this fair education? If you are struggling with infertility don’t you feel our educators failed us in this area? I do. I often wonder if infertility was never talked about because our educators were more concerned about scaring us so they would not have young pregnant girls running around school. Well, lesson learned. I was so afraid of conceiving that it was inconceivable to think I could NOT conceive.

It wasn’t until age 30 that I finally learned about infertility and how common it is. In so many words, I grew up “infertility clueless.” So, when the day finally came and I accepted my inability to create life on my own it was a very emotional day; a day of shock and tears; a day of bereavement; a day of mourning the children I may never have.

With all of that said, my conclusion lies in that my education failed me and infertility was simply something I had to learn about the hard way. I propose our fertility education be revamped and children learn about infertility at the same time they are taught fertility; and I do not mean just a mere mention of the illness but a full chapter on it. If I had one inkling infertility existed, I would have sought help earlier and I know, without a doubt, I would have been better equipped to deal with the surprise and shock of it all.

Who is with me?
- Alicia

Are women having children later in their lives? I think a lot of things factor into this decision: Getting married later in life, career choices that focus on moving up in the ranks at work, higher education and infertility may all play a role in why this has come to be. With almost 10% (6.1 million people) facing infertility, maybe it isn't always the best choice to wait but I am glad I didn't really have a choice.

As I said in my last article, I tried to get pregnant early in my marriage. I was 26 when I got married. When I finally started focusing on finding answers to my infertility, I was already 32 years old which is an age where a woman's fertility potential starts to decline (different references will give slightly different ages). This places women at a 21.4% chance for miscarriage as opposed to a 13.1% at age 25-34 (Environmental Working Group). At age 45, this rate increases to 50%! We are born with over 1 million eggs but by puberty we only have about 300,000 left of which only about 300 will be utilized during ovulation (Women'sHealth.gov). And that is if our bodies are in "normal" functioning order.

As eggs age, they start to develop chromosomal abnormalities causing women to be at a higher risk for miscarriage. This degeneration of egg development cannot be stopped or altered- there are no drugs available to address this issue. As we get older, we are also more susceptible to health risks that may not affect us in our 20's. Of course, there are always rare occurrences where a female in her 20's may have health issues that affect her fertility but I am speaking about the majority of the population and the aging process. I also want to note that there are a number of other factors that can affect infertility but my age always seemed to be a big deal to my doctor's (and everyone else) so I am discussing it!

Now given all of this, I did In-Vitro at age 36 giving birth to my twins at age 37 (I had just turned 37 and they were delivered a week later). In my doctor's office, I was told by one of the nurses that there were 13 women doing In-Vitro at the same time I was and I was the youngest. I was initially surprised by this but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Given that women want more out of life including financial stability, I understand the extended time-line. I am sure most of us assume that we have time to get pregnant and the truth is until we start digging into our fertility, we may not have a clue if we can get pregnant or not.

It's a catch 22 because you would not normally start infertility testing at a young age if there is no medical reason to do so (or you can if you want to go through invasive tests and if you want to spend a lot of money out of pocket). If you choose to wait to finish your career goals and buy a house before having kids you are in the same boat I was although I ignored my infertility for quite a while.

As I look back I am glad I did not make the choice to deal with my infertility right away and I will tell you why. I finished school, traveled, achieved my career goals and had financial stability. Now that I am a stay-at-home mom, I am grateful to be able to watch my kids grow and learn and I don't feel like I am missing out on anything. I have experienced a lot over the years but by being at home I am truly enjoying and noticing my life now more than ever. As always, I love to hear other stories. Please share about your experience as well...

Gina