The Infertility Surprise

Have you ever had to accept something you didn’t want to? As some of you now know, I suffered through infertility for 5 years. It took me and my husband one year of trying before we even considered the idea of us being infertile. We were both young (sort of) and in great shape. The thought of infertility never even entered our minds. All of those years of stressing out when my period was late and it turns out I had nothing to stress about. Truth is; I was never going to get pregnant without medical assistance.

Once I finally accepted the fact we were having fertility issues, I joined a support group. I wanted to learn from other women how to handle the surprise of it all. I was in shock over my infertility for many years. It was probably the hardest thing I ever had to admit to myself. It turns out many other women feel the same way. Almost every woman, at one support group session, started off their story by saying they had a hard time accepting their inability to conceive. This made me question, “Why is infertility such a surprise when millions are facing it daily?”

I came to one conclusion. This conclusion took me on a long memory ride. The first memory took me back to the sixth grade. In the sixth grade I learned about the birds and the bees. Everything was so matter of fact. The teachers explained conception in a way that simply stated, “This is how it works” and nothing stated, “This is how it fails.”

Let’s jump ahead a few more years to my eighth grade health class. Fertility was brought up again and this time they were trying to frighten kids into not having “nookie” because they will definitely conceive if they do. Do you remember everyone preaching, “It only takes one time?” I do. That was drilled into my head. Natalie and I were friends back then and I remember a conversation we had at school one afternoon. We were wondering if we should swim in a pool with boys. We were so frightened by our teachers and society expressing how easy it is to conceive; we wondered if we could get pregnant just by swimming with boys.

I know, you are probably laughing at us right now and it is embarrassing to admit to our “naiveness.” However, it is important to understand how we were trained to think. Keep in mind we were young and we eventually swam with boys again (I have to “save face” a little bit).

My next round of fertility education came through a college course. The professor was very detailed oriented. So much so, that I never had a question about “nookie” again and I often wondered if she should have been arrested for lewd behavior. But, I digress. The interesting fact about her course is that she went into such depth about fertility but never brought up infertility. How can you teach this sort of class and not talk about infertility? It was simply not mentioned. Personally, I feel there is a lot of shame behind it but that is another blog post altogether.

How can a child be taught from such a young age how easy it is to conceive but throughout the years never be taught how difficult it can be as well? Is this fair education? If you are struggling with infertility don’t you feel our educators failed us in this area? I do. I often wonder if infertility was never talked about because our educators were more concerned about scaring us so they would not have young pregnant girls running around school. Well, lesson learned. I was so afraid of conceiving that it was inconceivable to think I could NOT conceive.

It wasn’t until age 30 that I finally learned about infertility and how common it is. In so many words, I grew up “infertility clueless.” So, when the day finally came and I accepted my inability to create life on my own it was a very emotional day; a day of shock and tears; a day of bereavement; a day of mourning the children I may never have.

With all of that said, my conclusion lies in that my education failed me and infertility was simply something I had to learn about the hard way. I propose our fertility education be revamped and children learn about infertility at the same time they are taught fertility; and I do not mean just a mere mention of the illness but a full chapter on it. If I had one inkling infertility existed, I would have sought help earlier and I know, without a doubt, I would have been better equipped to deal with the surprise and shock of it all.

Who is with me?
- Alicia